DarkBlueWaters

After 4 years, I finally caved. Steel slides into skin, I bleed my sorrow out. The anxiety, the pain, the constant tears. I couldn't handle it. I might not have been able to choose him,l but he was important to me. I may be a monster, but he was my light within the dark. He may hate me, but he will always be in my thoughts. He may have replaced me, but our memories I will always cherish. He may have banished me, but I will always watch over him from a distance. He may not know, but he will always have a piece of me. ~DarkBlueWaters~ December 17, 2019

You should hate me Despise me Wish I never existed (Make me disappear) I never could give you all of me I could never fully commit to you I didn't choose you. (You hated it) It doesn't matter my intentions It doesn't matter the truths I tried to tell you It doesn't matter what I did (I couldn't be your's) I broke your heart I tore up your dreams I eviscerated your happiness (I'm the one to blame) You leave me behind You replace me with her You told me you need space (I vanished) ~DarkBlueWaters~ December 17, 2019

I was supposed to be your light, your source of happiness and smiles. And I failed you.. I only brought you pain and misery. I can't undo what I caused. I can't drown out your pain and I'm sorry. I wish I could. I couldn't give you all that you deserved.. But I can grant you your final wish. I can vanish from your life. You won't have to look at me, hear me or be near me. You can be free. You can find a home full of love and happiness. And everything you have ever wanted. I can only hope that this will help you feel complete. To make you smile and laugh without sadness hovering over you.. Without me, I hope you find what you are looking for. ~DarkBlueWaters~ December 17, 2019

I can't stop crying from your empty space in my life. My fears and doubts all predicted true. I didn't want to listen. I didn't want to believe it. My fears told me you wouldn't stay. That you would eventually see me for who I am and run. My doubts told me I wouldn't be enough, my imperfections would show too many times. You tried to prove me wrong but as we continuously found out, I was always right. My whispers of sorrow are covered up, my scratches and shallow cuts quiet the roars of rejection. I failed, I could never have you in my life. I am a monster. Unworthy. Poisonous. A Manipulative Bitch. No One Wants Me. ~DarkBlueWaters~ December 17, 2019

I tried to tell you that I was a bad person. Painted my past as a war battleground, to let you know I was no saint, no perfect person. But you put me on your pedestal anyway, no matter how undeserved I was for it. Time moved too fast to remember the good times but just slow enough for you to finally see how true my stories were. You shook your head in disbelief at first but now you understand my worries. You finally took notice to the venom numbing your body, the lost and defeated feelings seeping in... I tried to warn you, I begged and pleaded for you to listen. And now that you see me, you want space. To walk away. To replace me. To only stay in contact some times. I hate it.. But for you, I will let you go. ~DarkBlueWaters~ December 17, 2019

I can't talk to you I can't look in your eyes I lean away from your warmth I lean away from who we used to be. I can only fake my smiles I can only fake my happiness I can only fake my interest when she talks about you I can only fake that I'm okay. You said I can trust you You said you would stay forever You said I could lean on you You said you would always be there There are so many things I left unsaid There are so many emotions I could let you hear There are so many scars I can show you There are so many promises I can't keep anymore. If you see the scabs and red lines, don't concern yourself. If you see the tears sliding down my face, don't ask why. If you see the masks slipping down, don't try to catch them. If you see the blood trailing down my arm, don't try to help. Just Leave Me Be. ~DarkBlueWaters~ December 16, 2019

I'm sorry I couldn't be a better friend. I'm sorry I couldn't be enough. I'm sorry you couldn't be first. I'm sorry I broke you. I'm a bitch. I'm not worth your friendship. I'm a monster. I'm not allowed to be in your life. Save your smile for them. Save your happiness for that special someone. Save your promises for the future. Save your love for your person. I can't see your smile. I can't bare to be near you. I can't handle my mistakes. I can't be strong anymore. When you read this, I'm sorry. When you read this, remember the good times. When you read this, I did truly care. When you read this, my time will be up. ~DarkBlueWaters~ December 16, 2019

What do you do when your days are only bad? How do you battle the loss of apart of yourself? I can almost feel the blade sliding against my skin.. such an easy habit to go back to.. No one has to know. Little white lies go a long way. If my lies are good enough I won't have to see the pity or worry from outside eyes looking in. The blade always looks so pretty in my had, feeling the temporary pain, overriding the reality, the emotions banging against my heart. Ending this won't help me but taking the pain away, even for a few hours, can. I'm not as strong as I project my self to be. Feeling the essence of my life leak down my skin proves that. I can only be so bubbly. I can only produce so many smiles. I can only put on so many masks. Before I Shatter. ~DarkBlueWaters~ December 16, 2019

The promise of spending eternity with someone determines on how long you are special in their eyes. Once your presence is obsolete, so are the promises you once held close to your heart. The anxiety comes back, all your doubts and fears reappear as if they never left. The test of loyalty becomes a battleground of who can become hateful first. Those words will stick with you forever, haunting your thoughts and dreams. You lay there in the dark wondering.. What you can do now? Can things go back to the way they were? Do you want them to? Questions can only be answered in time, festering the tortured woulds no one can see. Having to fake your smiles until people believe. Silence is best when people take notice. But when you are alone, you can scream in agony. Until you have no voice left. Until your blood leaves your veins. Until quiet wraps around you. ~DarkBlueWaters~ December 16, 2019

I told you I would avert my eyes but the truth is, I don't want to see you being happy without me. My stomach clenches in constant pain when I think about all that we have lost, gaining nothing but silence. All of my fears and doubts were true. The burning hatred and hurt you feel for me finally leaked through. It doesn't matter she filled our head with those thoughts. You had them all along. You were just too nice to say what you felt deep down inside. Nothing is fair about this. I was only trying to do good. To show you how it could be. I was honest about my intentions but you fell anyway. Not having a safety net to catch you, you woke up to reality. You finally realized that inside of me, there is a monster. I tried to protect you.. but you loved her anyway. Not realizing she would hurt you in the end. ~DarkBlueWaters~ December, 16, 2019